I am lost, not only with where to begin with this post but in my thoughts, feelings, parenting, life as we know it has changed forever. We are beginning 7 of social distancing/ more like social isolation for us. School has been closed and I have been home schooling 3 children. Kindgerten, 3rd grade and 5th grade. Sports, performances, end of year programs- done. Our entire calendars are cleared. No church, no play dates, dinners with friends, seeing grandparents (much), it's done. My kids struggle and yet they have adapted remarkable well. We are pretty extroverted over here and friends are big parts of all of our lives, so this has hurt. I'm going to be honest a minute and then I'll turn this train around and be positive. When this started I mourned the plans, and grieved school closings, and the Kindergarten Circus, I stressed myself out with home school curriculum and had a schedule, art time, music and even virtual field trips to the San Diego Zoo and Disney World. Then the next two weeks, I was panic stricken by the actual virus. Fear that my kids would get it or Franklin kept me up at night. I became neurotic about washing hands and spraying delivered groceries in the garage before they entered the home with Lysol, and scared to death. Now, I feel blah, weary, almost apathetic. Like who cares about any of it. Who knows what next week or two will be like. This is weird, and constantly changes and no one knows what the summer will be like, the fall, or any of it. We actually never have, and one thing I've learned about myself is how much I like to think I have control over plans and the future. Tears have been shed by someone in our house almost daily. Nerves have been gotten on, fights have happened and whining/ frustrations are mentioned and noted on the regular and not just from the kids. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions. Good days and bad. Ups and downs.
BUT, let me share the highlights. Because we I want to look back and remember it all. Forts x1000 have been made. Isaac has bonded with Maple and she is his new best friend. Nora is playing with her dolls again. Mud pies, sidewalk chalk mosaics, old movies, old games, cooking, baking, picnics, walks (lots of walks and scooter rides/ bike rides), going to the farm and swimming in the river, going on the boat and swimming in the lake, kayaking, buggie riding, Old Maid playing, video games, Netflix, reading, puzzles, learning new chores, car washes, and more have filled our days.
It's been so great to clear the calendar for the first time in my adult life. It has felt that to do lists and activities and that day planner and getting everyone where they are supposed to be in the outfit they are supposed to wear and their water bottles filled and handy, have ruled my life. What an unexpected breather and break! I feel like the more I am home, the more I like it and am easing into it it. I miss my friends, but I love the slower pace and not rushing and being ruled by the clock. We get up when we get up, and get there when we get there. It's amazing! I fear I'll be socially awkward at first and life will be different but I think it will be a good different.
Now this is only from my perspective as a mother in this house. As the perspective of an American, human, the heartbreak I feel for people has been enormous. I know that people are living through hell in new york, and spain and italy and all over the globe. I know in rural Arkansas life is very different. I also know the economic burden is terrible and Franklin has worked harder and with more purpose than in his life. He's been working nights, weekends, almost nonstop trying to issue government PPP loans, and get people the funding they desperately need to get food on the table or keep their businesses afloat. He's stressed, exhausted and carries so much weight on his shoulders, but I also know we are fortunate and he has his job. I've been living in a constant state of feeling like I am over reacting or under reacting. Of feeling grateful and then guilty. This is a strange existence. The common saying "all the feels" is really what I feel. All of them -ha!
My kids have had different reactions and I'm asking them to write in a Covid journal to keep for them to look back on when they are adults. DF has adjusted quite well, works easliy on the computer and likes being at home but really misses his buddies. Nora has had a very difficult time. Lots of tears and worries and school on the computer has been quite a learning curve but she's figured it out too. She still says corona has ruined her life, but she has fun and happy times too and is adjusting. She wants school and friends and her old life back ASAP. Said she'd donate her whole piggy bank to finding a cure. Isaac has been fine at home and likes being with his family. Learning to read and write through the computer has been extremely difficult for him. He looses motivation and attention span everyday. He wiggles and squirms and cries and it's pretty brutal. I worry the most about his education too with it being so fundamental but I'm trying to let that go. He's doing fine and keeping up with work but we are all looking forward to summer break and ending the distance learning.
Ok, so that's us and how we are in a big nutshell. I am writing this, not because I want anyone to read it. I don't think anyone looks at this blog anymore which is fine. But I keep it and I want to remember. I try to put a positive spin on everything and if I am honest I worry that when I look back on this post and I'll be mad at myself for being to whiney, self absorbed, etc but I want to be honest. I want to remember the bleak and the hard days, so (hopefully) when this is over and I don't feel this way anymore, I won't forget what all to be thankful for and what shouldn't be taken for granted. And I am certainly thankful for my faith and hope in God from where I get my peace.
The next few posts will be highlight reels of mostly pictures only.
